Dallas, TX -4 May 2009- A group of committed churchgoers, pastors and like-minded businesses have teamed up to fight America’s ‘moral decay’ by introducing a series of sanitized pornographic films modeled after biblical parables and featuring ethical lessons mixed in amongst ultra-softcore erotic scenes. Among the group’s stated goals is the eradication of “indecent thought and action” and the “upright education of and introduction of our savior, Lord Jesus Christ, to unsaved youth.”
The group, recently incorporated as the Southern Coalition for Progressive and Pure Change (an obscure sub-branch of the International Congress of Church and Ministries), will pay for the production of 5 films which they say will act as a “stepping stone away from iniquity” as viewers use the films as an intermediate step as they “switch paths from the sexually impure world of the devil to the white shining path of the Lord.”
“We’re envisioning a kind of ‘nicotine patch’ for the tortured souls that struggle in this world to find a Christian voice in the midst of a popular culture that has lost the Word of God in a heathen cacophony of selfish desire,” said Reverend Dr. Stanley Lovett, Founder and Executive Director of SCPPC. “As Christians following the Word of Matthew, we are meeting these lost children of God where they are and providing them with a cinematic map back to the Lord.”
Details of the films, most of which remain in pre-production, are still sketchy, but SCPPC officials say that they’ve secured the necessary funding to produce at least two films. “The Lord has smiled upon our work, and we expect that more shepherds will emerge to hold His torch with us as we move into mainstream production of the Eros Lord series in its entirety,” remarked Reverend Dr. Lovett.
Dr. Lovett was willing to give a general description of the the first film, however. According to Lovett, Jodie and the Great Black Whale will feature an 18 year old missionary in Jamaica who is swayed by native temptors into working as an exotic dancer. Dancing under the stage name “Divinoria,” she cavorts with the pagan locals until, during a scene in which her Aunt uses a bible to talk her off the stage pole, she once again finds inspiration as a Christian. At the end of the film, Divinoria burns down the strip club with a large flaming bush and leads the recently converted locals in raising a new church.
The group’s members emphasized that this was a grassroots effort and a model of faith based collaboration. “Everybody pitched in here or there,” said SCPPC Secretary Ellen Limoges, who is also cast as the lead female role in an upcoming SCPPC production. “Some of us play parts, others design sets or clean up afterwards. It’s all very exciting to work as a team and see it all come together for the glory of the Lord, praise his name.” Limoges recently celebrated her 65th birthday.
Other SCPPC films planned include Party Ark, Roman Heat, Don’t Stone Her, That’s My Lady! and Dances in Judea, a lighter romantic comedy. All films are currently scheduled to be shot before the end of 2010.
22 responses so far ↓
1 Christopher Mass // May 14, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Thank you for making this production to rid us of sins of the Eyes and Mind and rid our Great Country under God of flesh peddelers. Please send information on how I can receive this films so I can rid my self of the Devils influence. My sin is masterbation and the Devil tempts me through porongraphy. Thank You and bless you in our Lord Jesus name.
2 Scott // May 14, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Evil Spirits.
Holy CRAP!!!!
Really???
Evil Spirits???
GET a FUCKin’ GRIP!!!!
3 Lorgo // May 14, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Remember: The LORD gave you a penis or a vagina. Obviously it is ok if you use it.
4 Jim Smith, João Pessoa, Brazil // Sep 1, 2009 at 9:23 am
More totally insane christian crap. How can anyone take these shysters seriously?
It’s a good thing for them there is no heaven or hell. Otherwise these totally evil people would surely burn.
5 James Martin // Sep 7, 2009 at 7:33 am
Hmmm….just what harm does jacking off do to anyone?
6 Dee // Sep 7, 2009 at 11:48 am
We shall now read from the Book Of Hefner, Chapter Six, Verse Nine: “And Jesus doth say unto Mary, “Take thy shirt off and move thy ass like it is ablaze, lest I must smack a prostitute.”
Amen.
7 Rebekkah // Sep 7, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Remember that these stories are to teach morality. I think the specific lesson of this movie is that it is okay to commit arson as long as you build a church. Speaking of…why would the pagans help her build a church after she torched their business? Plot holes, plot holes, and teaching arson. Go Christians!
8 phice // Sep 8, 2009 at 3:26 am
Your morality is obscene, You’re like Taleban, nothing different from them.
9 Cory // Sep 8, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I hope someone burns down their studio to build a mental hospital, to meet them where they are..Reformist Christians should have visited upon them all of the atrocity they wish for others and if you don’t know what I am talking about research what new reformist Christians would like to do to those they feel to be morally inferior atheist ,gays,immigrants,the list goes on.
10 Pri // Sep 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm
she burns down the strip club??????? blasphemy!
11 wow // Sep 15, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Christians may in fact be the most ignorant religious group on the planet.
12 Harm? // Sep 16, 2009 at 3:45 am
The harm is by looking at questionable content you are (at least on a subconscious level) altering how you view the other sex (more as objects), and that can change how you treat them in your regular day-to-day activities.
13 The Nerd // Sep 16, 2009 at 9:33 am
“Plot holes, plot holes” Rebekkah, it’s pr0n! Of course there are plot holes!
14 Tom Gaeta // Sep 17, 2009 at 1:03 pm
You realize of course that this is a joke right? There is no Eros Lord series, Reverend Dr. Lovett of the Southern Coalition for Progressive and Pure Change, or even a real Ellen Limoges. Good grief you atheists are gullible, but then again you must be, you’re atheists. LOL
15 Tom Gaeta // Sep 17, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Whatever you do, stay away from TheOnion.com! LOL
16 matt // Sep 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. ….. I miss my fluffy.
17 James // Sep 24, 2009 at 8:53 pm
If it is “Christian pornography” does that mean it will still be intended for use as a masturbation stimuli? Just a thought.
18 b4s // Sep 29, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Tom Gaeta, you’re funny calling atheists gullible. At least none of us claim a magic sky wizard caused us all to be born of one naked man just 6000 years ago.
19 Jason // Oct 4, 2009 at 2:42 am
“You realize of course that this is a joke right? There is no Eros Lord series, Reverend Dr. Lovett of the Southern Coalition for Progressive and Pure Change, or even a real Ellen Limoges. Good grief you atheists are gullible, but then again you must be, you’re atheists. LOL”
Gullible to believe what? To not believe? Who could have possibly duped us? It’s not like we’re led astray by atheist parents or atheist writers – they simply show us that it’s 1. Okay to be atheist and 2. how to deal with preachy Christians like you. You’re the gullible one for, like b4s said, believing a magical sky wizard caused all to be of one naked man 6000 years ago. Even better, the magical sky wizard incarnated himself as a man so he could have himself killed to forgive a sin that he declared was a sin!
20 Just some guy // Dec 16, 2009 at 5:36 am
Pointing out how Christians believe in a “sky wizard” as a defense for the fact that an athiest can be gullible is missing the point.
Here’s the important difference between an athiest and a believer of some kind:
When I first read the story above, I thought it was true. I was totally sucked in. I almost posted the link on Facebook and made an ass of myself in front of my friends by telling them all about this new Christian porn and how funny it was.
But then just before I committed to telling other people, I looked around for more evidence and found out that I was wrong. It’s just a joke, and I had been fooled.
It’s not that atheists are never fooled that makes them atheists.
Admitting that I was fooled when evidence shows me I was wrong – THAT’S why I’m an atheist.
21 A dude // Dec 17, 2009 at 8:51 am
B4S. It wasn’t a magic sky wizard. It was a cosmic Jewish zombie. And as long as you telepathically tell him you believe in him and symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood you’ll live forever.
22 Ben // Dec 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm
This is satire right?
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