MuckFlash

Washington, D.C. -17 Nov 2009- Amid rising criticism of its domestic and foreign policies, the Obama administration today faced yet another new front opening up in the ongoing partisan war of words. The “Sub Heard Round the World” came as former GOP Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin challenged President Obama directly to face her in a contest to see who could eat the larger portion of a 96 inch submarine-style sandwich.

In remarks made just after a foreign policy driven interview with ABC’s Barbara Walters during which she accused the President of “dithering” over Iraq and Afghanistan, Palin further declared that she would “destroy him two feet into a contest. A contest to eat an 8 foot bologna sub. If you’re listening, I challenge you. That challenge with the sandwich is for you, President Obama.”

Though many experts doubt that the relatively large gap in body mass between the taller, more masculine Barack Obama and the slender Palin would allow her any chance of success, conservative pundits cautioned against underestimating Palin. “The media will of course take the side they always take, but let’s not forget that Sarah’s a fighter,” said Rush Limbaugh, a noted conservative commentator. “You better believe she’d throw herself at that sandwich and not stop attacking until the American people were heard.”

“Challenging the President of the United States to a submarine sandwich eating contest is ludicrous,” countered Democratic strategist James Carville. “Even if she were a match for him pound for pound, Obama’s physical appetite is outstripped only by his appetite for substantive reform in Washington. Sadly, it’s become obvious that Palin, and the Republican elite in general, simply can’t cope with the issues without resorting to exaggeration and misinformation.”

According to a fact-checking document published by the Associated Press, Palin may have, in fact, monopolized the competitive eating circuit in and around her home base of Wasila, Alaska for many years in the mid to late 1980s under various pseudonyms. Archival documents from Wasila refer to a female competitive eater matching Palin’s age and physical description entering contests under the aliases “The Motherly Maw” as well as “Pit-bull Jawbone.” Though the last known reference to either eater scoring a victory was during 1988′s Alaskan Statewide Meat Stuff-a-Thon Contest, sources close to Palin suggested that she still could devour up to two whole chickens in a single sitting “without any major stoppage.”

The challenge only adds to the confusion surrounding Palin’s recent book release, and observers are still waiting for a response from the President. White House Press Secretary James Gibbs could not be reached for comment.

San Jose, CA -26 October 2009- Emergency services personnel arrived at the home of Kyle Connasis expecting an accidental poisoning, but they were baffled and shocked to find that Connasis, 26, was suffering from a severely distended stomach with several irregularly shaped lumps. Upon closer examination, the paramedics realized that each of the lumps was a complete video game controller, and that Connasis’ roommates were using the wireless devices’ connection to a still-running game to make the controllers vibrate and send Connasis into spasms.

Connasis is expected to make a full recovery.

As Connasis was rushed to the hospital to have the controllers surgically removed, police arrived on the scene to investigate the oddity. After questioning Connasis’ roommates, police learned that he had swallowed the objects on a bet and that he had used vegetable shortening as lubricant to swallow each in one piece.

Although he had successfully swallowed all three several hours earlier, Connasis began to suspect something was wrong when the devices began to buzz erratically inside of him, causing sharp, lingering pains in his torso. When he called 911, however, he told the operator only that he had “swallowed something.” The dispatcher assumed Connasis has accidentally poisoned himself, a much more common occurrence, and notified paramedics appropriately.

The devices were removed several hours later via a brief surgical procedure, and Connasis is expected to make a full recovery. As Connasis only recently moved to the country from Slovakia, however, police are treating the incident as a potential hate crime. Multiple people were arrested at the scene, but police refused to comment, as the investigation is ongoing.

Police emphasized that they would prosecute to the full extent of the law anyone they found to have willingly goaded Connasis into swallowing the objects as part of a citizenship hazing ritual or engaged in any other discriminatory behavior.

Kingman, AZ -23 June 2009- A group of dedicated nudists living in a small, self-contained community in the Arizona desert have initiated a concerted defense against what they say is a year-long “smear campaign” put on by local authorities who disapprove of their lifestyle. Kingman officials counter that the group is operating illegally and has committed continued public decency infractions despite several warnings. After weeks of tense discussions, the Kingman Sheriff’s Office has threatened to shut the commune down unless the inhabitants don clothes and pay some back taxes.

The group, which runs a compound known locally as the Lunar Sunshine Ranch, has been in Kingman for nearly thirty years with a national reputation for environmentally sound and uninhibited living. Lunar Sunshine’s population peaked in the late 1960s with nearly 300 commune members but has since dwindled to around 30. The ranch still grows its own food and actively promotes nudism. Many current Lunar Sunshine Ranch inhabitants have lived on the ranch since its inception, with an average age of 62.

Indeed, commune members allege that their age has more to do with the recent crackdown than anything else. “It’s just a lot of uptight people from down the road who can’t handle a bit of cellulite in the sun,” said Phil Liggins, one of Lunar Sunshine’s administrators. “Sure, it was all fine and dandy when the hippie chicks were in their firm-bodied 20s, but of course when everything comes down to Earth, it’s suddenly indecent. Outrageous.”

Local authorities, however, insist that the ranch has simply flaunted the law for too long. “Old naked people or young naked people is not the overriding perogative in this particular situation,” said Kingman Sheriff Kyle Lovett. “The facts of the situation are simply that they’ve compromised public decency and avoided paying their taxes.” The Sheriff has given the ranch 30 days to address a long list of violations, and he has warned that he won’t hesitate to shut the ranch down and seize its assets if the order is ignored.

Lunar Sunshine’s residents, however, have so far refused to turn the other cheek. “They can put my naked ass in jail if they want, but I’ll be back. We’ll all be back here. It’s our home,” said Latwonda Jackson, a recent arrival at Lunar Sunshine. “I came here to retire, and I’ll be goddamned if the Man is going to come in here and get all up in my lifestyle.” Though less outspoken, Lunar Sunshine’s administrative council echoed this sentiment, if indirectly. Beginning in 2009, the ranch has set aside a portion of the proceeds from their crops to buy as much ad space and air time as possible in Kingman to argue their cause.

The media campaign, themed as “Your Friendly Naked Neighbors,” features photo essays, interviews and documentary-style biographies of the ranch and its inhabitants. The goal, says Liggins, is to overturn stereotypes of nudism as “gross,” particularly when practiced by the eldery. “You look in Kingman now, and there’s no running from it,” he said. “We’re here, and we’re naked, and that’s our picture on your bus, and that’s our life on your TV screen.”

Other residents are unmoved, especially Charles Feigan, a business owner in Kingman. “I can’t walk 20 feet without seeing a pruny, deformed bottom or a 60 year old woman’s bare bust. This is a quality of life issue,” he said. Feigan also maintains that the media campaign has only exacerbated the stigma the nearby colony already projected on local businesses. “Nudity is not good for business. How can I possibly close a sale with this kind of thing going on?” Feigan said. “It’s just awful.”

It’s unclear, however, if there is legal recourse for the city of Kingman to ban the ranch itself, and any move against Lunar Sunshine risks a prolonged battle in court. At the end of the 30 day period, representatives of Lunar Sunshine plan to challenge Sheriff Lovett’s plans as long and as vigorously as possible. “This is the land of the free,” remarked Liggins as he stretched out on a sunny field at the edge of the ranch, sans clothes. “And just look how free I can be here.”

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Monterey, CA -18 June 2009- Oceanographer Tony Bonnatra has led the Cephalopod (squids, octopi and other mollusks) research team at the Monterey Bay Aquarium for the last 20 years, and he typically relies on mother nature to keep his tanks in order. However, when he noticed an abnormally energetic relationship between two giant squids in his main tank, he decided to take sudden and dramatic action.

When Sophie, a 3 meter long Architeuthis dux (also known as “giant squid”) specimen was transferred from Vallejo’s Sea World mollusk exhibit, Archie, a 2 meter long male, took a pointed interest in her. Before long, Archie and Sophie were inseparable, spending nearly all of their waking time together. Though Bonnatra’s staff was pleased to see the budding love affair, before long Sophie and Archie began to isolate themselves from their own school and cause emotional distress throughout the tank.

“Typically dolphins are the only marine animals that copulate for their own amusement, ” said Dr. Bonnatra, “So when I saw the squids engaging in intense sexual activity for hours at a time, I felt that I had to correct the aberrant beahvior.” Dr. Bonnatra insists that the squids were spending so much time mating that they were neglecting to eat, rest and socialize with the rest of their school.

Indeed, Bonnatra noticed that as Sophie and Archie’s relationship with the rest of the school became more strained, fights were beginning to occur more frequently and many squids in the school started to refuse food. Though Bonnatra was convinced that the two had to be separated, Arch and Sophie would cling to each other desperately in a tangle of tentacles whenever anybody tried to separate them. “It was impossible and frustrating,” said Bonnatra. “Every day things only got worse.”

In numerous field studies of squid social behavior, researchers have agreed that isolated squid individuals can cause damaging discord within the larger group and reduce individual and group life expectancy. Shirly Tighman, professor of Marine Biology at Tufts University, underlined these risks. “Squid are very social creatures, and to have a pair separate themselves almost completely from the community can be devastating,” she said. “It would be as if you mother and father were too busy having sex to take you to movie. How awful would that be?”

After a series of failed attempts, with tempers flaring more and more often in the squid tank, Bonnatra finally introduced a radical solution. Building on squid’s natural affinity for Latin music, Bonnatra used a Ricky Martin CD to attract the pair to a shallow corner of the tank, where they began to swim in unison. While the melody distracted the lovers into separate orbits, Bonnatra used a suction hose to trap Sophie and remove her from the tank.

Bonnatra says that while he regrets the suffering of the individual squids, the good of the school was worth the sacrifice. “You could tell that both specimens were extremely depressed after separation,” said Bonnatara, “Although I will say that the collective mood of the school has really improved.”

Lhasa, TB -5 June 2009- Tibetan scholars researching Buddhist texts from the 14th century were startled recently when a new interpretation of a puzzling religious text by revered Buddhist theologian and thinker Tsongkhapa (1357–1419) revealed a stark style and message never before seen in the Buddhist world. After over 35 years of study, scholars have determined that a document found 100 years ago by British explorers, but only recently authenticated as an original work by Tsongkhapa, contains a singular message: “Sack Up.”

The text, written in painstakingly detailed calligraphy on fine vellum, is a series of repeating characters over 50 pages long, with 20 separately inked illustrations. Despite the text’s elaborate details, the multi-national research team studying the document at Tibet University in Lhasa determined that the entire piece contains only variations of the same six characters – ༀབཛྲསཏྭཧཱུཾ

Translated literally, the characters are an imperative, “Tense the Man Within,” but after cross referencing the text with contemporary examples from elsewhere in the Buddhist world, the research team determined the the phrase was a well-known colloquialism common in the elite intellectual and ruling classes of 15th century South Asia: “life orbs up.” Correcting for language drift and context, however, the research team concluded that he most logical modern equivalent is “sack up.”

Dr. Jan Fullreich, professor of Sino-Tibetan Studies at the University of Stuttgart and leader of the research team, says that the disconnect between the figurative language and the literal translation isn’t surprising. “All languages drift over time to create new lexical constructions and meanings. So much so that idiomatic expressions are often incomprehensible after only a generation or two,” he said. “In this case, the text of Tsongkhapa means, in the parlance of his time, to ‘grow a pair.’”

Some Buddhist scholars are less certain about the findings. Dr. Gennifer Broem, Chief Administrator of the Tse Chen Ling Center for Tibetan Buddhist Studies in San Francisco, insists that such an interpretation would run counter to the tenets of Tsongkhapa’s sect of Dgelugspa Buddhism, whose contemporary leaders include the Dalai Lama. “Dgelugspa does not condone the self centered aggression in phrases like ‘sack up,’ whatever that may mean to any generation,” she said. “Peace and selfless enlightenment demand detachment from any concept of egotistical posturing. It’s unthinkable that Tsongkhapa would consider such a thing.”

Dr. Fullreich was nonetheless resolute. “The first thing anybody, much less a Buddhist monk, should realize is that life is hard, and things aren’t always what you expect,” he said.

Sacramento, CA -2 June 2009- A group of women has filed a class action lawsuit against several Northern California plastic surgeons who allegedly sold them bogus ‘organic’ breast implants at inflated rates. Furthermore, the suit, which names more than 40 doctors in 10 cities, suggests that the surgeons used unsafe materials in the procedures to cut costs and increase profits.

In a list of 26 separate claims, the suit alleges that the surgeons worked together to produce and promote “Orgo-Bust Premium” breast implants. According to marketing collateral for Orgo-Bust included in the filings, the implants are made with “only the finest in organic fibers and hypo-allergenic natural materials” and are “guaranteed to enhance your bust without the use of unsafe, carcinogenic chemical-based legacy implants.” However, the suit claims that the surgeons merely packaged a variety of grasses, weeds, soil and animal hair in commercial grade plastic wrap and charged up to three times the market rate of a standard breast enhancement surgery to insert the dangerous and unsanitary objects.

Lori Donovan, a 47 year old homemaker in Sacramento, initiated the class action after paying for the procedure in 2007 and later suffering from life threatening infections when her Orgo-Bust implants burst, releasing grass and sand into her body. “These charlatan snake oil salesmen told us we should do our part to help the environment, and we believed them,” she said. “I cannot believe they’ve been able to escape for so long selling this awful fabrication to women and endangering their health in the process.” Although she recovered after several weeks, Ms. Donovan is permanently disfigured and over $50,000 in debt for her medical expenses.

Ms. Donovan chose her Orgo-Bust surgeon, Dr. Cornelius Freckshorn, after finding his online ads and hearing some recommendations from her longtime Pilates instructor, who was also planning to have Orgo-Bust implants installed. After visiting Dr. Freckshorn for a consultation, Ms. Donovan says that he aggressively pushed Orgo-Bust as a safer, greener option, even though it was twice as expensive as a normal breast enhancement. Although she was hesitant to pay extra, she chose to trust the expertise of the doctor and go with his recommendation.

After the surgery, however, Ms. Donovan claims that she was whisked out of the offices before the anesthesia even wore off. The office then stopped taking her phone calls and moved to a different location without notifying her, she claims. Dr. Freckshorn, possibly a pseudonym, diasppeared seemingly without a trace, and though she was intent on finding him, Ms. Donovan soon became too ill to continue searching.

As she moved through the health system and began to tell her story, though, she realized that she was not alone. Tens and then hundreds of women came forward with equally horrific tales of being duped by fictional doctors for expensive “organic” implants, and all were as eager as Lori to find justice.

Dr. Geno Segre, a gynecologist at the Cleveland Clinic, said that it’s not uncommon for plastic surgeons to engage in consumer marketing around common procedures, but that he had never heard of such a large-scale fraud. “I just have no idea what would possess these people to surgically implant garden detritus into human bodies. It’s like they were trying to be caught,” he said.

Still, based on the rates the doctors charged, the suit estimates that they collectively made over $20 million in 2008 alone on just this on type of procedure. “This is reckless greed at its worst,” said Ms. Donovan. “They should all have dead animals surgically grafted into their bodies so that they can understand first hand the misery they’ve subjected us to.”

The plaintiffs are seeking $150 million in damages. The case will be heard in the District Court of Northern California in July.

Albuquerque, NM -29 May 2009- Staff. A freak lightning storm during a Pueblo Zuni Rain Dance injured four people when a bolt of lightning struck a tin shed used for storing fuel and dry goods. Although the tribe’s leadership continues to investigate the exact sequence of events, eye witness reports indicate that the strike ignited the contents of the shack, resulting in an explosion substantial enough to damage three structures and send four dancers to the hospital with 2nd and 3rd degree burns.

Chief Lester Wa-Tahnee, the tribal official who organized the dance expressed his concern for the victims, but emphasized that participants knew the risks associated with the dance before they agreed to participate. “We honor the great spirit with our dances, but the Wolf Brother often injects jealous energy into the journey of the sun,” he said. “While we can give up our song and movement to the Great Spirit, it is not often we can escape the consequences of Wolf Brother’s treachery.”

The Pueblo Zuni Rain Dance stretches back thousands of years in Native American tradition as a seasonal ceremony to appease the series of gods who control the natural forces that the Pueblo Zuni tribes depend on for sustenance and survival. If done properly, the rain dance is a cornerstone of Zuni theology and a regular fact of life for the tribes-people. Occasionally, however, the rain dance can be a source of cutting tragedy.

Those present at the dance were shocked at the violent end to a normally peaceful and exuberant event. Letita Fo-Seetah, one of the tribal dance leads whose daughter was injured during the incident, was angry that leaders didn’t do more to prepare for an emergency. “Who stores whiskey, motor oil and gasoline-soaked rags in a shack full of ammunition and fertilizer ?” she said. “It’s insane enough but for the fact they then paint the shack like the rain god Wo-Tayna-Hah and have the dancers gather around it. I am just so angry that the elders didn’t take safety into consideration as the first priority.”

Chief Wa-Tahnee disputed any suggestion that tribal elders had overlooked safety as they planned the dance. “Mother Earth and the Great Spirit provide for and nurture their children, but the needs of the Four Winds are fickle and shifting like the sands of the river,” he said. “What more could we do?”

All of the injured dancers remain hospitalized with moderate to severe injuries. The Pueblo Zuni tribal police continue to investigate the accident for any indications of negligence or foul play.

Lyons, FR -26 May 2009- For the better part of three decades, Colonel Gerard LeDoux was the Chief Officer of Centre de Guerre Aix-En-Les-Mains, a sprawling army base in the South-Eastern French countryside where the government sponsored millions of euros worth of advanced weapons research. After a recent report revealed that over two thirds of this budget had been devoted to cheese, however, Colonel LeDoux was relieved of his command and now faces a full court marshal.

French officials refused to comment on the ongoing investigation, but sources who reviewed documents detailing the charges said that the allegations against Colonel are both serious and fantastic. Of a total weapons research budget of 300 million Euros, Colonel LeDoux had earmarked as much as 200 million towards project “Fromage.” Most staffers at Aix-En-Les-Mains had assumed that “fromage,” or “cheese” was a code name, but as internal auditors dug deeper into the base’s records, they found that the Colonel took the project literally. And seriously. So much so that he poured millions into research attempts to make France’s annual production of 1.9 million metric tons of cheese into a viable defensive or offensive stockpile.

Colonel LeDoux could not be reached for comment, but Sylvain Chavanel, an organic weapons expert based in Berne, Switzerland, says that while not unheard of, turning cheese into anything deadly is impractical at best. “With an advanced process of refining the material, you can take an organic compound, like cheese, and enhance it into either a poison or a light explosive, but the energy required is massive,” said Chavanel. “You may as well try to turn a bunny rabbit into a predator drone.”

Officers who worked with LeDoux on the base, who spoke on condition of anonymity since they were not authorized to speak to the media, say that LeDoux focused on the goal with a singular passion. “That’s the first thing he would tell every new transfer: ‘We’re going to take the pride of La France and transform it into the scourge of our enemies.’ It was ridiculous,” they said. “After a time, though, how can you sink money into Fromage? All we had were stinky piles of waste all over the lab while the fighter jet, the advanced artillery, the jetpack, they all suffered for lack of funds.”

Colonel LeDoux is currently being held at a military facility in Paris and will face a tribunal later this year.

Los Angeles, CA -19 May 2009- Bowing to popular demand, a consortium of L.A.-based fitness centers have pooled their resources to build a 10,000 square-foot shared facility that will allow patrons to do just one single exercise: napping. Based on a concept popular in Japan, the proposed building will house a series of intricately designed pods that allow occupants to shut out virtually all external stimuli as they seek to re-center and re-balance their mental state.

The Mary Wollstonecraft Center for Rest will be built according the exacting specifications of the architectural theories of Ai Iijima, a recently deceased Japanese cultural figure who advocated alternating phases of intense activity and exaggerated rest as the twin pillars of good health. Her seminal work in the field, Blossoms of Rest, Petals of Life (飯島愛のセックスの力量の向上昼寝理論) outlined the steps necessary to reach a state of pure rest and laid out a basic design for a “Rest Temple” (不思議な水を分離) to facilitate the practice. The center is named in honor of Iijima’s oft-mentioned inspriational figure and muse.

Phil Westinghouse, owner and manager of PowerHouse Gym in La Brea, is one of the principal backers of the MWCR and is enthusiastically waiting for the groundbreaking ceremony next year. “The exercise culture in this country is at about the same state as its food culture, which means we’re only slightly better off than medieval peasants,” he said. “The MWCR is a step towards civiliazation, and a way to unify self, spirit, culture and history. Everybody should be able to give their soul this gift.”

Essentially, the “Rest Temple” is a series of rectangular pools, each about four times the size of phone booth, arrayed together in a dense, multilayer grid. Each pool is in housed in a self contained, pitch black space and is outfitted with a solid steel diving sphere suspended by a cable that allows it to be completely submerged. A self-contained breathing apparatus allows people to stay in the pods for up to four hours, and each is outfitted with speakers to broadcast a regimented series of edited whale song and political speeches.

Getting to enter the sphere, however, is no simple feat. First, a gym-goer must complete at least two hours of rigorous exercise under the tutelage of an offiicial, Iijima-certified “Life Tender” (遊女), which includes a mix of high energy fencing, jogging, pilates and martial-arts based yoga. The workout is only complete after the gym-goer is able to physically dominate the Life Tender twice in under ten minutes. Once the student is victorious, he or she may enter the Rest Temple after a complex series of purification rituals, including a complete body depilatory treatment and a blood donation. The student is then placed in the pod for exactly 1/4 the time of the workout, accompanied by a strictly controlled regimen of recordings unique to each session.

Anastasia Leng, a dedicated PowerHouse member, said she couldn’t wait to use the new technology to enhance her routine. “If I have to do downward facing dog with a bunch of frumpy moms again, I’ll just die,” she said. “I need the temple to take my life to new places and experience my workout at the highest level. I just don’t deserve anything less!” Although Leng conceded that she would have to sacrifice her Wednesday night pole dancing class, she had no qualms about putting extra time into a Rest Temple program. “I’ll do whatever to get in there,” she vowed.

Contstruction on the facility is expected to begin in early 2010.