MuckFlash

New York, NY -13 May 2009- Next fall’s lineup is likely to include a show which will push the envelope in the already permissive, and oft disturbing, reality TV category, if plans revealed anonymously continue to develop. TV executives familiar with a new show in development at NBC say that the new program, in pre-production under the working title “My Robot Wife Bangs for Cash,” is already raising the eyebrows of FCC censors and will likely require special approval before it’s allowed to be broadcast.

Sources familiar with NBC’s plans have confirmed that one of the network’s next major primetime productions will be a reality TV format competition in which single men vie to build a robot which is able to sell the most sex over the course of the show, which will also grant bonuses to any robot which completes certain specified tasks, like selling a threesome or performing sado-masochistic acts. These sources also say that the rules of the competition don’t specify whether or not the robot must be humanoid.

A spokesperson for NBC refused to comment on any show still in development but insisted that NBC produces “only the shows that we deem to be the highest quality and which reflect the fine standards and taste of everyone here at NBC.” Last year, NBC-produced reality TV shows included “Celebrity Apprentice,” during which contestant Joan Rivers compared a competitor to Hitler, and “The Biggest Loser,” which features overweight contestants who compete to become thinner and more socially acceptable versions of themselves.

Susanville, CA -11 May 2009- A 34 year old man was arrested and indicted on charges of conspiracy and animal abuse as California state marshals, in conjunction with a task force of northern California game wardens, uncovered what they alleged was an elaborate plot to conduct a series of raids on national parks across California and seize endangered wildlife. The suspect, Gary McClintock, is currently being held on a $300,000 bond.

According to an affidavit filed by the California District Attorney in support of the search warrant used to raid McClintock’s secluded ranch, McClintock had planned for months to capture hundreds of bighorn sheep throughout the Sierra Nevada mountains and hold them at his 45 acre ranch just outside of the rural northern California town of Susanville. McClintock, according to the affadavit, was a lifelong animal rights activist and believed that the sheep were being held prisoner by the California State Parks Service.

A political pamphlet reprinted in the affidavit and authored by McClintock accuses state and federal parks services of “enslaving the four legged angels wrought by god” in order to “establish the infernal goals of freemasonry and political sodomy.” The 45 page pamphlet, entitled “Animals of Light, Fields of Lies,” further details a complicated series of government plots to trap animals on federal and state land in order to use them as bargaining chips with Native American drug lords in Canada and South America. “Through trade agreements and false political deals, the government uses the safety and security of these gorgeous beings as a [sic] collateral to buy and traffic narcotics from the enslaved Native populations of the once mighty nation of Zezumi,” McClintock asserts in the pamphlet’s introduction. “We must stop them before our redeeming animals of light are sacrificed and eternal spiritual war ensues.”

McClintock’s neighbors, however, put a slightly different spin on the story. “He was a bit queer with the sheep,” suggested Bill Johnson, whose ranch is adjacent to McClintock’s. “He had a big stable full of animals, and he’d mosey on out to his lawn near about every Saturday with them all made up like the night women up near Fort Bragg.” Although Johnson refused to go into further detail, he did admit that McClintock had “serious difficulty” interacting with people and rarely left his ranch.

Phil Thompson, another of McClintock’s neighbors and the owner of a feed and tack outlet which McClintock frequented to supply his ranch, agreed with Johnson’s interpretation. “I know what you need to maintain a ranch, and Gary’s purchases were awful strange. He’d come in maybe once every two months to get a couple of new leather harnesses, some rubber balls and maybe a cattle prod or two. No oats, no alfalfa. You just wonder what he was doing all alone up there with the sheep all the time. And the noises you would hear every Saturday. People knew that you best avoided the old McClintock place on Saturdays.”

Authorities refused to comment on the investigation, since it is ongoing, but they did confirm that McClintock was being held and would be charged with conspiracy. McClintock’s publicly appointed lawyer declined to comment.

Broken Bow, NE -5 May 2009- School administrators at Round Hill Public School, a slightly more modern take on the one room schoolhouse in the small town of Broken Bow (pop. 4,000), came back from a week long spring break to find a shocking scene. Hundreds of hamsters, confined to the schools walls, crawl spaces and maintenance areas during regular school days, had broken free and flooded the school, ravenously attacking two janitors who battled through the night to keep them at bay.

“This is one of the stranger things that I’ve had to confront in all my years at the school,” said Wanda Morelys, Round Hill’s principal. “The only thing that I can figure is that many generations of escaped critters got together, and we some how missed it until now.”

Jose Fuentes, the maintenance head for Round Hill, recounted several terror filled hours during which he fought alongside the assistant janitor against what he described as a “biting, flowing furry river” which rose from the depths of the school’s ventilation ducts as he was performing routine checks in the basement. “I set traps, I put down poison, I beat them with a hose, what more could I do?” Fuentes says. “The little balls of hair were out for blood, and we had to flee.”

Indeed, the hamsters appear to have constructed a series of nests throughout the school and continue to protect their young with instinctual fearlessness. Fuentes and one of his staff were briefly hospitalized to be treated for a number of small lacerations from hamster bites and to be inoculated against any parasites the beasts may have been carrying. ” I will never go into that basement again. Its creatures are full of the devil,” Fuentes vowed.

Vance Halter, Round Hill’s sole pest control expert, said that the situation was unusual, but not unprecedented. “Your basic hamster is a lot like your rat or your mouse. Given time to breed and make a home nest, they’ll defend it to the death,” he said. “As long as you have some thick clothing and a big paddle, you can get it done in a week or two.”

Despite the school contracting Halter to rid the school of its resident rodents, parents were quick to voice their concerns. “What kind of school lets things degrade to the point where there are hamsters pouring out of the walls?” said Fran Gilbert, whose two sons attend Round Hill. “It’s unsanitary.”

Despite the odd circumstances, Principal Morelys assured that the school would only be closed a short time and that there was no immediate danger. “They’re just hamsters. They’re cute little creatures, and they’re not hard to dispose of if you have the right equipment. We’ll be back on track in no time.” The school will remain closed until the abnormally large rodent colony is exterminated, which could take as long as two weeks.

Dallas, TX -4 May 2009- A group of committed churchgoers, pastors and like-minded businesses have teamed up to fight America’s ‘moral decay’ by introducing a series of sanitized pornographic films modeled after biblical parables and featuring ethical lessons mixed in amongst ultra-softcore erotic scenes. Among the group’s stated goals is the eradication of “indecent thought and action” and the “upright education of and introduction of our savior, Lord Jesus Christ, to unsaved youth.”

The group, recently incorporated as the Southern Coalition for Progressive and Pure Change (an obscure sub-branch of the International Congress of Church and Ministries), will pay for the production of 5 films which they say will act as a “stepping stone away from iniquity” as viewers use the films as an intermediate step as they “switch paths from the sexually impure world of the devil to the white shining path of the Lord.”

“We’re envisioning a kind of ‘nicotine patch’ for the tortured souls that struggle in this world to find a Christian voice in the midst of a popular culture that has lost the Word of God in a heathen cacophony of selfish desire,” said Reverend Dr. Stanley Lovett, Founder and Executive Director of SCPPC. “As Christians following the Word of Matthew, we are meeting these lost children of God where they are and providing them with a cinematic map back to the Lord.”

Details of the films, most of which remain in pre-production, are still sketchy, but SCPPC officials say that they’ve secured the necessary funding to produce at least two films. “The Lord has smiled upon our work, and we expect that more shepherds will emerge to hold His torch with us as we move into mainstream production of the Eros Lord series in its entirety,” remarked Reverend Dr. Lovett.

Dr. Lovett was willing to give a general description of the the first film, however. According to Lovett, Jodie and the Great Black Whale will feature an 18 year old missionary in Jamaica who is swayed by native temptors into working as an exotic dancer. Dancing under the stage name “Divinoria,” she cavorts with the pagan locals until, during a scene in which her Aunt uses a bible to talk her off the stage pole, she once again finds inspiration as a Christian. At the end of the film, Divinoria burns down the strip club with a large flaming bush and leads the recently converted locals in raising a new church.

The group’s members emphasized that this was a grassroots effort and a model of faith based collaboration. “Everybody pitched in here or there,” said SCPPC Secretary Ellen Limoges, who is also cast as the lead female role in an upcoming SCPPC production. “Some of us play parts, others design sets or clean up afterwards. It’s all very exciting to work as a team and see it all come together for the glory of the Lord, praise his name.” Limoges recently celebrated her 65th birthday.

Other SCPPC films planned include Party Ark, Roman Heat, Don’t Stone Her, That’s My Lady! and Dances in Judea, a lighter romantic comedy. All films are currently scheduled to be shot before the end of 2010.

Riga, LV -30 April 2009- The Latvian government has taken all the usual measures to battle the global financial meltdown, including giving banks cash bailouts, adjusting interest rates to control inflation and encouraging institutions and individuals to spend and invest. As consumer confidence and the public’s overall faith in the country’s financial future continue to dip, however, authorities have commissioned an unorthodox program to reignite Latvian’s citizens enthusiasm for risk, financial and otherwise. Beginning next month, a government funded bus will tour the country offering a range of heavily subsidized prostitutes to all comers.

“The crisis is not just financial, it’s social and emotional,” said Utsav Riklanin, Latvia’s Deputy Minister of Finance. “We must address the nation’s state of mind before we can begin to fully recover.” The program will employ over 300 prostitutes for six weeks, offering a variety of services for a fraction of the usual street cost. Including these per item subsidies, the campaign’s budget is expected to exceed US $500,000.

The bus, which will branded as the “Your Country Loves You Back” tour, will transport regional ‘teams’ of prostitutes in a series of criss-crossing stages across Latvia, making stops at every town with a population above 5,000. As an added twist and marketing gimmick, the bus will also make a special “Econo-rection Party” stop at any buildings which display a special banner which is obtainable only after securing a business loan of US $5,000, conducting a successful IPO or buying more than 500 shares of any publicly traded Latvian company.

Despite a few raised eyebrows, residents are largely looking forward to the program. Piotr Doveskaya, a bartender in Riga, expects that the spectacle generated by the bus will be enough to buoy local economies as it goes. “You can imagine something like this won’t happen very often at all, so people will come and make a party,” he said. “I am sure many of them will end up at my place sooner or later.”

Mr. Riklanin hopes that the program’s success will encourage other government agencies around to world to think creatively despite the dire economic conditions. “Innovation is the only thing that can save us now,” said Mr. Riklanin.

Atlanta, GA -28 April 2009- Researchers at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) yesterday announced the findings of an ongoing 10 year study of atmospheric contributions to disease in America. The results, already generating controversy in the scientific community, challenge much of Americans’ conventional wisdom on the link between environment and health by asserting that many factors previously thought to be positive or harmless are in fact major contributors to disease and disability in the U.S. Among the prime, though unlikely, culprits: fluffy cumulus clouds, bright sunshine, colorful balloons, raucous laughter and chocolate.

In the study, which involved both original clinical trials as well as extensive examinations of existing environmental and census data, researchers linked many serious health conditions to unlikely environmental pathogens. White, fluffy clouds, for example, were found to contain nearly 300 separate chemical and particulate contaminants, many of which are known carcinogens and others which have been linked to reproductive harm even in limited quantities. The study states: “On a clear day, an enormous portion of the U.S. population is unwittingly exposed to ostensibly innocuous masses of vaporized pollution which have the potential to siginificantly impact health and longevity.” As well, the study found similar levels of toxins in objects like colorful party balloons, where the level of conatmination increased relative to the brightness of the colors and elaborateness of the designs on the balloons.

Dr. Lyle Stanton, Principle Investigator of the Atmospheric and Envrionmental Health Project, warned against underestimating the findings. “Positive connotations in popular culture can and often do mask the real nature of many of the things we encounter every day,” he said. “I hope the the valuable work we’ve already been able to do will serve as a sobering reminder to Americans everywhere that now is the time to seriously re-evaluate their environments and lifestyles.”

As well, the study indicated that certain everyday activities are more harmful than previously thought. Strenuous laughter, for example, was highly correlated with an elevated chance of contracting pneumonia and other potentially fatal respiratory infection in children and the elderly. Though already known to contribute to skin cancer, the link between over-exposure to the sun and cancer was expanded in the study to include leukemia, rheumatic dystrophy and palsy, conditions which the study also blamed on increased consumption of foods high in dairy and refined sugar, especially chocolate.

“Health is truly the next great challenge for our nation,” said Dr. Stanton. “Just because something looks and feels good doesn’t mean that it isn’t actively damaging your health. People need to wake up and begin to limit the amount that they expose themselves to these dangerous elements.”

Among its conclusions, the study suggests that Americans limit the time they spend out of doors to 30 minutes each day in major cities, and 60 minutes elsewhere. When it is absolutely necessary to remain outside for extended periods of time, long sleeves, a hat, sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 50 and breathing mask are strongly encouraged. As well, instead of laughing freely, the study encourages laughing in short, closed mouth bursts through the nose for no longer than 10 seconds. The study went so far as to counsel against any chocolate consumption at all, among a long, detailed list of suggested lifestyle improvements to promote health and well-being.

“We’re fighting, quite literally, a life and death struggle here,” said Dr. Stanton, “and if I have to lead the charge against chocolate, balloons and fluffy clouds in order to improve America’s health, with God as my witness, I swear we will meet them in battle and emerge victorious.”

Padua, IT -27 April 2009- In a last ditch attempt to maintain purity and decorum in their small, rural village, a group of elderly Italian town council members has voted to bar any structure from having any barrier in an entry or exit. In an ufficiali decreto legge affixed with the seal of the council, the effective government of the 300 person village of Il Vecchiagio, just north of Padua, decreed that any structure which contained “any implement with the function of obscuring from view space with the potential to contain immoral or illicit conduct” to be in violation, punishable by “forcible remodeling of the residence and indefinite surveillance by an appointed overseer of the council.”

“The children grew up missing a generation and so lack the morals and respect to live as decent families should,” said Concetta Bisciaglianni, who introduced the measure to the council. “You cannot trust these young people to keep the filth out of their homes, so we will sacrifice their privacy to return our homes to a state of purity.”

Younger residents, however, were less enthusiastic about the measure. Alessandra Pettachi, a 35 year old service station attendant dismissed the action. “The old fools are afraid of anything that casts a shadow,” she said. “Just because they can’t enjoy themselves any more than a soggy piece of pasta, they want to curse everybody with the same wooden fate.”

Although a few have approached members of the council with reservations about the legality and enforceability of the new regulation, most seem to agree that neither those who support nor those who oppose it will emerge a clear winner. Giovanni Giunglia, who has lived all of his 92 years within the walls of Il Vecchiagio, summed up the general consensus: “They do what they like with the laws; we all still eat tomato sauce in the evenings.”

Houston, TX -23 April 2009- Staff. An unmanned aerial vehicle manufactured by Applied Dynamic Machinery Inc., a small private equity backed robotics company in Houston, crashed yesterday as it failed to complete its singular mission: to serve beer.

The project, code-named “BeerEagle,” was a stretch for the small startup company, which had previously produced only two other unsuccessful models: a vacuum cleaner similar to the Roomba and a “ButlerBot,” a stationary humanoid robot designed to do menial kitchen tasks. BeerEagle, by contrast, was an ambitious cross between a military grade Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) and a complicated proprietary pressurized keg system. If the craft had been successful, it would have been capable of serving over 150 12 ounce cups of beer per hour from an altitude of 200 feet, the company says.

Despite their high hopes, company officials couldn’t help but concede defeat as BeerEagle plunged to earth only minutes after becoming airbone. “We had great weather, but some of the systems acted erratically when we engaged the beer spout module,” said Dan Patrick, lead designer on BeerEagle. “We’re confident in the future of the technology, but we’re not just not there yet.”

While the company would not release video footage of the test, citing a need to preserve proprietary information, an observer of the test from Applied Dynamics, who spoke on condition of anonymity, indicated that the craft’s designers were shocked to see the extent of their failure. “It was beyond embarrassing,” said the observer. “The aircraft took off just fine, of course, since we didn’t build the thing, but we had jury rigged a pony keg and a spring loaded cup dispenser to activate when the plane reached certain spots. We didn’t count on a bunch of pressurized hoses full of beer bursting into the avionics, though. The thing shorted out on the first try and ended up as a flaming piece of wreckage. Not to mention the wasted beer and our keg deposit at Safeway. What a mess.”

The heart of the system was an advanced array of visual and Radio Frequency (RF) inputs that plotted locations for cup drops based on a pre-programmed flight pattern. BeerEagle would then drop cups with “GPS precision” while in flight into a specially designed receiving tray that could be free standing or clip on to the arm of a chair. Mr. Patrick says that the primary target clientele were large, open venues like football stadiums and NASCAR tracks, which could benefit from a way of serving beer more efficiently than having humans trudge from point to point.

“Without a doubt, this is the future,” Patrick insisted. “It’s only a matter of time before devices like BeerEagle will revolutionize everything we do. Even the way you get a beer at a football game.”

Galeton, PA -22 April 2009- A park aid in central Pennsylvania was terminated by the Pennsylvania Department of Parks and Recreation after numerous complaints that the content of his nature walks, signs and printed materials were inappropriately sexual.

Charles Etragner, 37, worked at Prouty Place State Park for over 10 years, but his recent series of wild flower walks and pamphlets on local flora led to his bitterly contested ouster last week. Etranger insists that his termination was personally motivated. “‘Stiff Lilies at Dawn’ led to record attendance at Prouty Place,” said Etranger. “The chief ranger never approved of me taking this place into the next century, and he got rid of me to make himself look better.”

In addition to his nature walks, Etranger wrote and self published a pictoral calendar, featuring himself and other park aids as “Spirits of the Forest” posing nude with seasonal floral arrangements, as well as a serialized guide to Pennsylvania wildflowers, entitled “Earth’s Arousal: Tender Blossoms for Every Season.”

Todd Bishop, chief ranger at Prouty Place state park, condemned Etranger’s ‘modern’ take on the longstanding state park tradition of hosting nature walks for guests. “A state’s recreation facilities are no place to test new artistic ideas,” he said. “People come to relax, and it’s not a place to shock or surprise. Can you imagine taking your family for what you expect to be a restful stay in the great outdoors, only to find some sick individual flyering your RV for an event called ‘Luscious Midnight Petal Strokes’?”

Further, Ranger Bishop insisted that Etranger’s termination was entirely based on his unprofessional conduct. “We received many complaints over a long period of time, and after a formal investigation and review, the Pennsylvania State Parks Review Board voted unanimously to remove Park Aid Etranger,” Bishop said.

Complaints about Etranger included local resident Edna Stevens, 56, who camped regularly at Prouty Place and attended several of Etranger’s “Flower Passion” series of evening walks. “It wasn’t just the flirty words, it was his whole manner on the walk,” she remarked. “I’m fine with a little fun in the title, but when somebody insists on standing behind you and helping you touch a flower to feel the ‘pulsating life within,’ that’s just uncalled for.” Since filing the complaint, Mrs. Stevens has not returned to the park. “I won’t go back until I can be sure nobody will be comparing flowers to the ‘pert bodies of supple young forest nymphs’ ever again,” she said.

Mr. Etranger has already filed suit against Pennsylvania Parks and Recreation and is confident that he has a legitimate case of wrongful termination. “I’ll fight this all the way to the Supreme Court,” he said. “I’m only being punished for not conforming to somebody’s cold, lifeless interpretation of nature. You can’t fight passion.”

Akron, OH -16 April 2009- Edna and Hortense Engstrom were once as close as the two shy girls embracing in a worn sepia photograph taken nearly 50 years ago. These days, however, the animosity between the two siblings is palpable to outsiders and consuming for the both of them. Since 1976, when Edna filed a business process patent for the Engstrom family’s regionally renowned double fudge chip butterscotch cookies, the two have quarreled in and out of the legal system about who is the rightful owner of the recipe.

“That wrinkled pile of bitch stole my damn recipe,” fumed Hortense, speaking from her home. “It takes a dirty, lying whorebag to watch a family member work nights and days to perfect the family tradition and then go and sell the goddamn thing to Keebler,” she continued. “Momma baked a batch of those cookies every day before Poppa beat the life from her, and I’ll be a motherfucker if my slut of a sister can add a dash of vanilla and cash in like a bakery prostitute.”

Edna, through a spokesperson, declined to comment. The spokesperson reiterated, however, that any claims against her intellectual property were “entirely without merit” and that her patent rights company, as well as its primary licensee, Keebler Inc., would “vigorously defend against these frivolous arguments.”

The two sisters were born to a soy bean farmer in Akron in the summer of 1923 and worked for most of their lives as receptionists in the same dentist’s office. As their cookies became popularly demanded items at nearly every social event in Akron, however, Edna filed the recipe and preparation procedure with the U.S. Patent Office, and the patent was granted in the summer of 1976. When approached by Keebler, Edna quickly licensed the patent, though the terms of the deal were not disclosed.

Hortense, for her part, filed a lawsuit as soon as Edna revealed her secret by flaunting new and inexplicable wealth. As hostilities flared, Edna began to construct a new home several miles away from the two room apartment the sisters had shared for over four decades and began to garner a reputation in the town’s gossip pages as she vacationed with high school quarterbacks and lavished money on a prize winning kennel of pure-bread Corgis. Despite nearly reaching a settlement in 1984, the proceedings have swung back and forth as the case has drifted through various state and federal courts, with the sisters dropping and reinstating their arguments repeatedly.

This time, however, Hortense insists that she is committed to seeing the suit through to a favorable verdict. “I’ll get my due if I have to suck the very blood from her body,” she said.