MuckFlash

New Haven, CT. -27 Feb. 2009- Staff. Edward Spitz is gunning for a record unknown in the mainstream, but highly prized among initiated guitar aficionados: The Physically Joined Guitar (PJG) Record.

Previously held by niche rock legends such as Tanker Belly Steve and Billy “The Beast” Crapton, the PJG record is given bi-annually to the individual musician who gives the greatest number of public performances with the largest number of permanently fused guitars

“It’s a brutal endeavor, but worthy,” Spitz says of his widely announced contention for this year’s prize. Spitz, who has tried, and failed, to win the top slot three times previously, maintains that this year will be all his. “We’ve really reached the peak of what you can do with conventional methods,” he claims. “With my method, I think we’ll finally see the quadrant barrier breached.”

The “quadrant” refers to the physical inability of any human to play more than four guitars at once, a barrier which has made sheer performance stamina the determining factor in nearly all modern PJG contests. The four guitar limit makes Spitz’ bold words even bolder, especially considering the challenges competitors have faced historically in trying to break it.

For example, during a contest in 1986, a new PJG challenger attempted to play 6 guitars simultaneously. Two minutes into the performance, however, he had to abandon after breaking his wrist during a particularly long chord shift.

Others have tried to play modified guitar arrangements outside of the usual 4 guitar “Iron Cross” or vertically joined “Love Stack,” though there is no recorded evidence of anybody playing more than four guitars simultaneously for more than 5 minutes without succumbing to exhaustion, injury or technical error.

Spitz, however, says he has devised a method which will allow him, though the use of amphetamines and custom prosthetics, to expertly operate upwards of 10 guitars nearly indefinitely. While he wasn’t able to provide a demonstration, he was quick to reinforce that proof of concept will come only with his first performance:

“Don’t believe me if you don’t want to,” he swaggers, “but when you see me shredding twice the cherry axes in half the time, you won’t have much of a song to sing.”