MuckFlash

Broken Bow, NE -5 May 2009- School administrators at Round Hill Public School, a slightly more modern take on the one room schoolhouse in the small town of Broken Bow (pop. 4,000), came back from a week long spring break to find a shocking scene. Hundreds of hamsters, confined to the schools walls, crawl spaces and maintenance areas during regular school days, had broken free and flooded the school, ravenously attacking two janitors who battled through the night to keep them at bay.

“This is one of the stranger things that I’ve had to confront in all my years at the school,” said Wanda Morelys, Round Hill’s principal. “The only thing that I can figure is that many generations of escaped critters got together, and we some how missed it until now.”

Jose Fuentes, the maintenance head for Round Hill, recounted several terror filled hours during which he fought alongside the assistant janitor against what he described as a “biting, flowing furry river” which rose from the depths of the school’s ventilation ducts as he was performing routine checks in the basement. “I set traps, I put down poison, I beat them with a hose, what more could I do?” Fuentes says. “The little balls of hair were out for blood, and we had to flee.”

Indeed, the hamsters appear to have constructed a series of nests throughout the school and continue to protect their young with instinctual fearlessness. Fuentes and one of his staff were briefly hospitalized to be treated for a number of small lacerations from hamster bites and to be inoculated against any parasites the beasts may have been carrying. ” I will never go into that basement again. Its creatures are full of the devil,” Fuentes vowed.

Vance Halter, Round Hill’s sole pest control expert, said that the situation was unusual, but not unprecedented. “Your basic hamster is a lot like your rat or your mouse. Given time to breed and make a home nest, they’ll defend it to the death,” he said. “As long as you have some thick clothing and a big paddle, you can get it done in a week or two.”

Despite the school contracting Halter to rid the school of its resident rodents, parents were quick to voice their concerns. “What kind of school lets things degrade to the point where there are hamsters pouring out of the walls?” said Fran Gilbert, whose two sons attend Round Hill. “It’s unsanitary.”

Despite the odd circumstances, Principal Morelys assured that the school would only be closed a short time and that there was no immediate danger. “They’re just hamsters. They’re cute little creatures, and they’re not hard to dispose of if you have the right equipment. We’ll be back on track in no time.” The school will remain closed until the abnormally large rodent colony is exterminated, which could take as long as two weeks.