Atlanta, GA -28 April 2009- Researchers at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) yesterday announced the findings of an ongoing 10 year study of atmospheric contributions to disease in America. The results, already generating controversy in the scientific community, challenge much of Americans’ conventional wisdom on the link between environment and health by asserting that many factors previously thought to be positive or harmless are in fact major contributors to disease and disability in the U.S. Among the prime, though unlikely, culprits: fluffy cumulus clouds, bright sunshine, colorful balloons, raucous laughter and chocolate.
In the study, which involved both original clinical trials as well as extensive examinations of existing environmental and census data, researchers linked many serious health conditions to unlikely environmental pathogens. White, fluffy clouds, for example, were found to contain nearly 300 separate chemical and particulate contaminants, many of which are known carcinogens and others which have been linked to reproductive harm even in limited quantities. The study states: “On a clear day, an enormous portion of the U.S. population is unwittingly exposed to ostensibly innocuous masses of vaporized pollution which have the potential to siginificantly impact health and longevity.” As well, the study found similar levels of toxins in objects like colorful party balloons, where the level of conatmination increased relative to the brightness of the colors and elaborateness of the designs on the balloons.
Dr. Lyle Stanton, Principle Investigator of the Atmospheric and Envrionmental Health Project, warned against underestimating the findings. “Positive connotations in popular culture can and often do mask the real nature of many of the things we encounter every day,” he said. “I hope the the valuable work we’ve already been able to do will serve as a sobering reminder to Americans everywhere that now is the time to seriously re-evaluate their environments and lifestyles.”
As well, the study indicated that certain everyday activities are more harmful than previously thought. Strenuous laughter, for example, was highly correlated with an elevated chance of contracting pneumonia and other potentially fatal respiratory infection in children and the elderly. Though already known to contribute to skin cancer, the link between over-exposure to the sun and cancer was expanded in the study to include leukemia, rheumatic dystrophy and palsy, conditions which the study also blamed on increased consumption of foods high in dairy and refined sugar, especially chocolate.
“Health is truly the next great challenge for our nation,” said Dr. Stanton. “Just because something looks and feels good doesn’t mean that it isn’t actively damaging your health. People need to wake up and begin to limit the amount that they expose themselves to these dangerous elements.”
Among its conclusions, the study suggests that Americans limit the time they spend out of doors to 30 minutes each day in major cities, and 60 minutes elsewhere. When it is absolutely necessary to remain outside for extended periods of time, long sleeves, a hat, sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 50 and breathing mask are strongly encouraged. As well, instead of laughing freely, the study encourages laughing in short, closed mouth bursts through the nose for no longer than 10 seconds. The study went so far as to counsel against any chocolate consumption at all, among a long, detailed list of suggested lifestyle improvements to promote health and well-being.
“We’re fighting, quite literally, a life and death struggle here,” said Dr. Stanton, “and if I have to lead the charge against chocolate, balloons and fluffy clouds in order to improve America’s health, with God as my witness, I swear we will meet them in battle and emerge victorious.”